“Your heart is like a great river after a long spell of rain, spilling over its banks. All signposts that once stood on the ground are gone, inundated and carried away by the rush of water. And still the rain beats down on the surface of the river. Every time you see a flood like that on the news you tell yourself: That’s it. That’s my heart. ”

— Haruki Murakami

I was 13 when I first got diagnosed with Clinical Depression. At the time I faced some emotional turmoil and loss, but since I only had the experience of a child I dealt with it all in a very self-destructing way. Depression will never be a one size fits all type of thing, so this isn't a piece that defines it. For me personally it wasn’t so much the depth of sadness but the abyss of uncertainty that made me waiver.

The first 5-7 years were the worst. I would get on the medication and start feeling better so then I’d stop taking it only two fall down the pit even worse. And so began the vicious cycle time and time again. Thankfully I found solace in finding a great psychologist, Dr. Ramirez. She taught me so much about the illness and gave me the right tools to deal with depression. She helped me overcome the stigma I too had attached to depression. I knew there was something wrong with me, but admitting it, and even more so having to take actual medication for it seemed unnerving. She though gave me the perfect example to put me at ease. A person with Diabetes has to take Insulin because their bodies themselves aren’t producing enough. Well, it wasn’t much different for a person with depression, medically speaking the chemical imbalance in my brain made it necessary to take medication. It was that piece of information that helped me cope with the idea that I would be on medication my whole life.

But we live in an unforgiving society and at such a young age I didn’t want to be ostracized I just wanted to fit in, no matter the cost. So many times I would fake being okay just out of fear of not being accepted when in reality I was screaming inside for help. It was very hard to talk about it. Hard to see the reaction in people’s faces, who would unknowingly twinge, as if I’d just handed them a grenade and they didn’t know what to do with it. So after a while I just stopped sharing.

My loved ones didn’t know what to do with me either. Saying you have a problem usually means recognizing there is a solution. But that’s the thing about depression it wasn’t a problem to resolve but an issue to endure. And you feel judged for showing very little signs of progression, as if you willingly wanted to live in this state always.

Winter has always been the hardest months for me. The lack of sunlight and vitamin D in my system create what is known as “winter depression”. During these months I know it doesn’t matter how much everything in my life is going great my spirit feels heavy and melancholy.

It’s taken me years to learn my triggers and finding the right concoction of medications. There were many high and low moments for me. But in a way I always felt frantic and restless like nothing I did was working. Until about 8 years ago when I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. Since the addition of that medication, my mood has leveled out entirely. Weeks or even months go by without feeling so distraught. I’ve learned that a lot of my emotional turmoil comes from over worrying and over analyzing what is going on in my life.

When I got physically sick in 2008 I went through a roller coaster of emotions. Even now, today, as I’ve grown very ill in the last 6 month or so, it is a constant battle to keep my head above water. But years ago I made a promise to Jehovah, God, that if he would safe guard my heart and my thoughts I would take on the physical side of things and put all my strength into getting better.

It hasn’t been easy. These last couple of months have been incredible difficult. I’ve been in and out of the hospital every couple of weeks and I’m on a lot of medication. I feel like I’m in a type of mental haze at all times which is also the reason I haven’t written in so long. It’s hard to put words together, even when you have a million of them. The doctors are a bit baffled and it's becoming harder and harder to get my symptoms under control.

With the years I’ve learned that my illness is as much related to my stress level than anything else. Last year was a really hard year for me emotionally, so much betrayal happened that it threw me into the arms of despair. And once you’re clenched in her arms it’s hard to set yourself free.

In the disillusionment of it all I’ve grown very numb and bitter. But it’s not even sadness that I feel. Honestly, I don’t think I could shed one single tear! But instead I look inside and all I see is this abyss of emptiness. This immeasurable depth of melancholy wretchedness that doesn’t help me at all to start feeling better. So my stress level is at an all-time high, making my physical health twice as bad.

I don’t know if I’m coming or going these days to be honest. My soul and being are tired. Breathing is excruciatingly painful. But it is said that you aren’t what’s happened to you, you are how you’ve overcome it. And I’ve come to learn that not all is lost. That with time, the tide will change. That if I look long enough at the horizon the sun will reappear. That if I hang in there long enough I’ll find solace in the known, in the familiar, once again.

And that even so, without a doubt, I will always be that girl, the girl who feels things in a much deeper level than just anyone. The girl who experiences everything with her heart on her sleeve no matter the state it is in. And that regardless of the trajectory this life catapults that girl towards it will always be her belief that soon this too shall pass.

“May happens to be Mental Health Awareness month. It is a vital month of instruction and insight into the lives of many who suffer from a mental illness. All in hopes that with education and empathy for one another we will unshackle ourselves from the stigmas that as a society we’ve attached to the uncertain, the different, and the unknown.”