To heal a wound

So here we were, in between the four walls of my room. She sat in the chair in front of me, while I laid in bed propped up by pillows. She didn’t know this but I’d been one of my bad days where all I’d accomplish that day was to take a shower and then be depleted of all energy. As she sat there consumed by nervousness, fidgeting with her ring, all I could think about was how much actual physical pain I felt and how I couldn’t possibly take a pain killer because then I would never remember the conversation the next day. And this conversation was important.

And as awkward and uncomfortable as it all felt, there are some issues in our lives that we can’t sweep under a rug. That we cannot go around or even over, that we must cross from end to end. It’s part of the process, because as much as we want to, there are some things that we cannot assign to oblivion. Some pain demands to be felt.

We ran around the subject, talking of my health, and then her recent engagement. As much as it was needed, saying it out loud would be difficult. I explained to her that the only reason I hadn’t accepted to meet her sooner was that I wanted the conversation to be genuine. And that if I was going to offer forgiveness I didn’t want it to be fake in any way. So I had to go through the process, first, of reaching that place before I thought it appropriate to sit down with her and talk to her.

The last couple of months for me had been very difficult, it was one thing to be physically sick again, but then to also be in so much emotional turmoil. It all felt like an insidious cancer that was consuming me whole, and the worst part was not knowing if I was worth saving. So though she thought she needed this, I needed it most.

The conversation details themselves aren’t even important. It wasn’t about rehashing every detail, or over analyzing every single moment. It was about the realization of the hurt, of the aftermath created. It was about just being honest, about truly expressing remorse, and truly offering forgiveness. Because otherwise it was fictitious, unworthy, and a waste.

Betrayal will never be something easy to get over. Believe me, I’ve been wracked with both anger and an immense gradation of sadness. But forgiveness isn’t so much about relieving someone of their guilt as it is unshackling your pain. Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor, you get used to it. To how it holds you to place.

And that’s what many people in this world don’t get about forgiveness. It’s much more about the person wronged than the one that harmed. If we aren’t willing to give things their proper place in our past, we are just asking for them to spill all over our present. The truth is I can only handle one bad thing in my life and right now being physically sick is enough.

So I sat there and I listened, and she listened. I honestly didn’t know what my reaction to it all would be going forward. I prayed prior to this that I would only say what was really in my heart. And surprisingly, even to me, after it was said a calmness that I hadn’t felt in months came over me.

As I read her expressions I understood that she really did feel sorry. That it wasn’t an act. And once I was convinced it was all I ever needed to hear about the subject ever again.

The truth was that in the betrayal, she was what hurt the most. Him, I’d lost long ago, and I’d come to grips with. But she, she was someone I loved dearly, and it was hard to fathom my life without. When this all came to light someone wise said that if there was a friendship worth salvaging that with time and work it would be worth saving. At the time I thought they were idiots and that it was stupid because I could never trust someone like that again. But it is true. When you really love someone your willing to hang on even if you feel like your heart has had enough.

We all make mistakes, none of us are perfect, and truly loving and caring about someone is loving them through some of their worst of times. Because that’s when they need it the most. Because in the end that’s exactly what we hope others will do for us. I couldn’t possibly ever ask for forgiveness, for love or understanding if I wasn’t capable of granting it myself.

Elizabeth George said “The past can’t be changed can it? It can only be forgiven.” So I did. And with that we laid to rest the past. In its proper place, with its proper closure. Never to speak of it again. Because sometimes to heal a wound you simply need to stop touching it.